GOTCHA(ish)

 

We got to the government building at 9:30am Monday morning August 13, it was a quick 5 minute drive from our hotel. We are traveling with 4 other families who were also getting their babies. When we arrived, one of the families daughter was already there waiting…I lost it…its so much time, energy and emotions leading up to this moment, I have zero control of my emotions, as if I ever do. I stood by the door, I wanted to see Hannah the second she was near. And around 10:15, she walked in the door! My heart leapt!

The woman holding her hand wanted to take her to wee as soon as they came in, I awkwardly followed them, because that’s my girl and I never want to be away from her again. She led her into the bathroom, opened up the stall, and little Hannah pulled up her dress, pulled down her panties, shimmied backwards and squatted. A squatty potty never looked so cute! She needed help pulling up her panties, but turns out she had an accident when they came into the building…the Motleys are a lot to take in, we must’ve scared her! I squatted down in the very dirty bathroom with her to help get her wet panties off and dry ones on. She seemed so unsure of me being there and helping. I couldn’t stop smiling and crying.

When we came out the girls were waiting for her, each had something to give her. McMot had a teddy, Amelia had puffs and Emma had a phone. They all shoved their offerings in her wee little face and Hannah reached out for the phone. Emma let out a loud “YES, she chose mine!” Then the girls and I began feeding each other puffs to show her what they were, she opened her mouth and let Amelia feed her! This went on for 10-20 minutes. We signed a few papers, took some group pictures and then it was time for her people to leave. I hugged the two women, Chinese people are not huggers, but I am. I couldn’t help but hug a little too tight and for a little too long. Although we don’t speak the same language, I hope they know how much I appreciate them loving on my girl for the last 2.5 years.

Hannah was sitting on a pink plastic rocking horse as they walked out of the building, her eyes were locked on them. I wish she could understand what was happening and know that we would love her forever. I leaned in to squeeze her as to say “it’s going to be okay, i promise” and as i did she pushed my arms away and started backing away from me on the horse. (Cue internal sobs) The heartbreak my babies have experienced in their wee little lives is more than anyone ever should. The girls began to distract her and she showed a glimmer of a smile. Then Jay sat down with us, she instantly lit up. The smiles came and then some giggles. When we got back to the hotel, we spent most of the day playing in our room and in the bath, she seemed incredibly comfortable with everyone, everyone except me.

You prepare yourself in all the ways for this day, for what she will go through, how her heart will break, how she will respond to us, how she will mourn, but what you can’t possibly prepare your heart for is her to dislike you. For her hand to swat mine away, but welcome everyone else’s. For her to scream every time I touch her, but run to her daddy’s arms. Or dig her nails into me or try to bite me because I’ve gotten to close. I’ve longed to hold her, I’ve dreamt about this day and now it’s here, she is here and emotionally we are still an ocean apart. My heart is shattered. Every day we see glimpses that maybe she is warming up to me, but we still have miles and miles to go. I don’t know who is taking it harder, me or McKayla. McKayla is constantly holding my hand or giving me kisses in front of Hannah to show her it’s okay to trust me. I’ve resorted to bribing her with candy, lipstick and fixing her hair…all things she loves and it is working for brief moments, I will take anything she’s willing to give me! Pray for us…to begin bonding to one another and for her to feel comfortable with me.

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Categories: Uncategorized

8 Comments »

  1. Oh my, Heather!!
    I am sitting here bawling, my heart hurts for you!
    I do know that one day you will look back on this time & have such a great appreciation for all the ways The LORD has been with you & Blessed you!!
    My prayer is: “Father, continue to pour Your great love out on this precious Motley family. May each day forward be an !! (exclamation point) of Your faithfulness. “
    Lots of Love,
    Aunt Esther

  2. So happy for you and your family. You have so much love to share. These girls are so blessed to have such loving giving parents!! Love you!!

  3. Oh girl!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! And I have no doubt she will too. You are super LOVEABLE. Your openess and honesty are amazing qualities. Not to mention all the love poring out!!

  4. OH Heather, my heart goes out to you and your family. I know I GOD’s time, she will love you like no other. You are the best mommies!!!!

  5. Hannah will love you and there will come a time she would want to be held by you and you alone. It’s going to happen! Praying for you Heather! Love you ❤️

  6. Prayers and hugs sweet Heather. Y’all are going through so much right now. Your little girls are precious. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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